Libertarian, yes, positive

These may be the scariest times I have lived in so far. It isn't like I am ancient, but I think, 9/11 aside, that my life has remained relatively unruffled and without much need for thoughtfulness on my end. These may be the most exciting times for me also. I have decided to try and get involved. It is no longer okay for me to sit and watch what is going on around me.

The first thing I had to do was pick my ground. I had been a party-line Republican. It was easy as they seemed to represent my views for the most part, and I was not a Democrat. But since this last election, I was just, I don't know, dissatisfied with the party. They were becoming diluted. They were leaving what I thought were some basic paths for happiness and prosperity. Then I learned that I could be a Conservative. But I needed to define that. And in trying to find out what that meant I found out that there was so much more out there. Where did I stand? I mean, for the most part I am a live and let live type of person.

I have some strong social ideas that tend to be conservative, but I also think that my way is not absolutely the right and only way. Freedom of choice is so important and it is what this country was founded on, no? So while I would love to see my social conservative values held dear by everyone, I would never force them on anyone. So in a sense, because of this, I guess maybe my conservative values do not spill into making me a hard-line social conservative. My largest hurdle here, really has been my religion. As a Catholic, I believe there are things we should not condone. By taking a live and let live attitude, publicly no less, was I not abandoning my faith and belief? I have decided that I am going to have reconcile myself, and God, to this decision. It is to be live and let live for me.

Fiscally though? That is a different story. Get out of my life. Protect my borders. Help me to be the best American I can by making me feel safe. I am still forming these ideas. I am learning the questions to ask. That has been the hardest. I have been so used to just going along that I never developed a sense for questioning. Libertarians seem to question everything. I think that is great. For my part though I have decided to put my money (time, whatever) where my mouth is. I am going to get more involved. I am going to learn. I don't want to be passive anymore. I want the right to discuss my country and my future. I see some people that have become spokes"persons" for what I am supposed to believe. They are my mouthpiece. I don't need nor do I want a mouthpiece. I will be speaking for myself in the future. I will do it with true knowledge and feeling. I will do it because I believe in it and understand it. Not because of a check I put in a box when I was 18 years old.

Still searching

I am still trying to find a label for myself. I know I am conservative. In some ways I get more so every day. But when a person goes to vote, they don't vote conservative, they vote Republican or Democrat or sometimes as an Independent.

When I was a kid I decided I wanted to be a part of a religious group. I had never been baptised, although we went to church off and on and I attended Sunday school at a Presbyterian church when I was five or six. I considered myself a free agent. I was in fourth grade, maybe fifth, when I decided to go to church with friends. Kind of scope out the options. I attended non-denominational, Latter Day Saints, Catholic, Lutheran and a few others. I sang in a choir for a while. All the while I was developing a sense of what I was going to believe in. I had no prior indoctrination. For all I knew, I would convert to Judaism. There were no preconceived ideas. So after several years of going to different churches and hearing the different doctrines I started sensing in myself a system of belief. I sat with it for a while and figured out what it best fit. Lo and behold I was baptised into the Catholic Church three days after I turned 18. I figured which Church best fit what I had found to be "The Truth" as I saw it. Did the Church fit 100%? No. There were some things that I could not reconcile myself to. I was a young, single female and there were ideas I thought I had to stick with. I swept them under the rug because, well, don't we all suspend disbelief just a little when it comes to religion? Well, I do. I have been asked to explain Church doctrine enough to know that sometimes all I can say is "just because". I do not try and cross science and Church beliefs. I get as confused as the most confused about religion. I believe the 'Apostolic Creed' and that is really all I need to say, as it says it all for me.

What does this all have to do with politics? I find myself going about this whole label thing in the same way I did with religion. I am reading. I am watching and I am trying to figure out what I believe in. Let me tell you something. I find it a whole lot easier to believe in the infallibility of the Pope than to believe a politician when his lips are moving. My biggest problem is that my political belief system is not falling so easily into a category as my religious beliefs did. What do I believe? Today I am an Isolationist. North Korea is scaring me. I am Pro-Life, but at the same time, I find it difficult to make someone take on my sensibilities. I believe "marriage" is more of a religious obligation, that should be sanctioned by churches. Civil unions, male or female or any mix you care, should be allowed, but, as a civil union for legal purposes. I believe government is too big and we need to overhaul the tax system. We should not have National health care, but our current system is flawed. We need to work on getting people off welfare and into supporting themselves and their families, whatever form they take. I believe in personal responsibility and think that our court system needs to start booting frivolous lawsuits. I believe that we should be able to make our own choices as to how we live as long as we do not infringe on others. So where do I fit? I am not anywhere near the Left. I have been a registered Republican for over twenty years and I feel a little abandoned by them. So am I Libertarian or Independent? Independent or Libertarian? Or am I still a Republican? I hope someone or something speaks to me like it did when I was seventeen. I have choices to make and this is not the time to be making wrong ones.

Apologies

I am going to talk about apologies, not really make any. Not really. I started thinking about an apology I want to make to someone. I do not know this person, I only know of them. I also know that in making an apology I will only be doing it for myself. This person most likely does not desire an apology, or even realize that I would make one. But here we go, "I am sorry."

There that is done. Now who feels better? This person to whom I apologized. No. Just one more reason for them to think I have no self control. Me? Do I feel better? Not really because in making this apology now I want a response. Something like, "That's okay. Apology accepted." Or, "Leave me the fuck alone, apology neither desired nor required." Either response would work for me, but the problem is I need a response. And that is not fair to the apologee. The reason this started was because I wanted a response and could not control myself or my actions in an attempt to get one. I see that now and I am mortified.

So, by apologizing I have actually continued the problem. I see only one course of action left. I take back the apology. This way I will not look for a response and I will not burden this person further. Because I really am sorry and I wish I could take back my actions and re-think it all.

No working title but it is a rant

I don't have even a working title for this particular blog. Writing yesterday was rather cathartic for me. Let's see what happens today. Maybe this will be a wishing post. I wish I was less self involved. I wish I was less needy. I wish I was less self-destructive. That's boring. I wish I was more aware of the world. I wish I was more aware of others and what they needed. I wish I knew how to make a difference. That is better. Look outward and the inside will take care of itself. That is a great new slogan/mantra. I am going with it. I liked it so much I just tweeted it. So far no one has responded with anything like, "My God woman, you are like Deepak Chopra, only without the wisdom or depth, of course."

Living in today's world is an exciting, confusing and frightening experience. With the weapons of today, the world could end tomorrow for us. Or worse, it could just become some wasteland and we will all end up living in a Danny Boyle film. There is a pleasant thought. Or perhaps the world will just continue on as it is and we will live in the relative peace we are afforded while we keep at bay the people who would love to destroy us and our lifestyle. We must not let the terrorists of the world win. We must not give in, give quarter or show fear. When does it end? This is a game where there will be one winner and only one winner. There will never be a truce, a live and let live. And I do not put all the blame on one side. As perverse as it is, it is all about human nature, and we are all human and humans hate to co-exist with what they see as evil. And we are two sides of a coin and likely never to be at peace. I lose sleep over the thought. Israel and Palestine are an example of how it will never work between people who have different beliefs. I pray that they find a solution. I think the majority would be able to do it. But it takes only one set of principles to upset everything and prevent peace. One set. And it is hard to argue with someones principles. We are set to self destruct as we become this global mass of people. We infringe on each other and invade privacy, we put our wants and our needs above others. We think we know what is good for everyone. We are so caught up in our own self righteousness we forget that in demanding our rights, we trample on the rights of others. The born and the unborn. The weak and the strong alike perish because as individuals we think we know best. We have no prayer, because we might offend. We have no freedom to say things out loud or we might be condemned as hate mongers. We can't be proud of our country because someone who chose to live here might feel threatened or forced to assimilate. I am so frustrated and this has gone off on tangents I would not have believed it would. I just want to live in peace. Let my neighbor, near and far, live in peace. Let people worship as they choose. Be proud of who they are and where they live. Here or somewhere else. Every culture should be proud of who they are. We are every culture and that is what is so frustrating. And I don't even have the ability to help.

Twitter

So, you think you want to start "Twittering".

Let me tell you, it is not the start of a social life you never had. I had been pretty holed up for the last couple of years. Mostly my own doing but I was socially dead non the less. I had been fairly social in the town I had been living in until I moved to Phoenix at the beginning of 2007. My life changed rather dramatically, well that may be strong, but it did change. I moved for several reasons and they were all good. I was in a rut, I wanted to be near family, etc. My job kept me pretty isolated in that most employees were out in the "field" while I manned the office. I also worked for family so there was one opportunity for meeting different people kind of gone. My financial situation was not as rosy as my expenses went up with the move. It is hard to meet people in Phoenix when you are single, awkward and light in your wallet.

Then I had some new opportunities come my way. I decided to go back to school and completely change my career. I felt too old to go to school to be a nurse and not able to afford the schooling it would take, so I decided in to try the exciting field of back office work in a medical office. I am currently enrolled and enjoying it. The other thing was I needed a job that would be compatible with my hours, but I am getting way ahead of myself.

In between my previous job and school I had a couple months where I was no more than an at home consultant. Fancy words, but true. I found Facebook. I had never done any social networking and I was at a loss. But I slowly developed some Facebooking skills, found some old friends from my high school (and even earlier) days and started dong a little networking. That's right. I was in contact with my buds from my small town and I was feeling pretty good. More social than I had been in years. I was addicted to Facebook. Games, quizzes pictures and chatting.

Then someone on Facebook mentioned Twitter. I had no real concept, I didn't even have texting capabilities on my phone. Hell, I had only gotten a cell phone in 2003 I think. I was disdainful. Who feels they need to be connected like that. Who is so important that people needed to know they were walking down any particular street, thinking any particular thought, at any particular time? Really?

I decided to stay working for family as it would suit for school hours and I went into a manual labor job to get me through school. I started school in early March and I still had Facebook. School opened up another door for me socially. I was in a classroom with the same people for 4 hours a day. After a few weeks I started making some good friends. Social butterfly, that was me.

So now, I had a job with real people around me, Facebook and school. I almost was suffering from social overload and looked forward to the few days I did not have to be around people. Then I decided that due to school and the people, I should have texting abilities as this seemed a pretty common mode of contact for my peers. So, why fight it? I got text. Within the week I was on Twitter. Facebook who? I learned the ins and outs of Twitter pretty quickly. It was sink or swim, I was the only person I knew that was on Twitter and actually using it. I had no guidance from loving friends or family. There were a few who said, "oh, yeah, I have an account, I have no idea how to work it." So I slowly started following people. I enjoyed Redeye w/Greg Gutfeld on Fox News Channel and they seemed active. I started there. Started following Andy Levy, Greg Gutfeld and eventually even Bill Schulz. For the Twitter savvy that would be @andylevy @greggutfeld and @billschulz. From there I started following people they were following and then people started following me back! People I did not know. the pressure to perform was immense. I had people to amuse and interest and I was not amusing nor was I particularly interesting. But I wanted to participate so I set out to become amusing.

I have started reading books on politics. I have become more active about reading peoples blogs. I try to think of profound and witty things to say. I look for those interesting bits of news to pass on. I even learned how to use websites like tinyurl.com so I could post long web addresses without them being so long. I created goals. I wanted people following me. Soon I started worrying about offending or boring my followers. I wanted to post "tweets", but not too many to be aggravating. I wanted to attract certain followers, but how? All of the sudden Twittering became high school and all the popularity trials and tribulations that went with it. Some people only followed the "in" crowd. I wanted to be in that crowd. How did people on Twitter know I was a desperate loser and they wouldn't let me in? My self worth became synonymous with who would or would not follow me. (Do you hear me @andylevy?)

So I have been Twittering for 3 weeks now and I am addicted. I admit it. I am talking to people that I have no idea who they are, what they look like or what they do for a living. I can find people who are in the know about every subject under the sun, although I notice that politics is a hot topic. My self worth issues are still a problem because I doubt myself. But these are my issues, not Twitter's. If I had my choice over would I have started this social network. Facebook even? I think yes. I need to find the line that keeps me focused on work and school and let Twitter and Facebook be a spice that makes my life more fun. Not taken to seriously. I gain followers everyday. I lose followers everyday. I try and follow those that follow me, but there always seems to be a discrepancy in numbers. That's okay. I am always on the look for new people that are interesting to me. I have found a few by the way. @seanboudreau and @JHSty. Theses guys are the bomb and don't seem to busy to answer back. For every dick there are 5 to help and be nice. I may decide to cull my list of people I follow, to help me along in my self esteem project but I am not sure it will hit the target I would be aiming for. In other words, they won't notice and if they DID notice, they would not care. Such is life and we need to move on. create my own fabulousness, even if I am the only one that notices.

OMG It's a post!

Seriously, it's me. I don't have anything to say really but I am staying awake to watch Redeye on Fox and I really wish it was on a little earlier in the evening. School is going well and I am enjoying it. We currently have a very nice teacher who will be with us into the first part of July. hen we will go into back office stuff. Blood draws, injections, etc. After 12 weeks of that we have a 5 week externship. What ever that all works out to be, we graduate Oct. 31, 2009. Can't wait.

I have decided that I am going to learn everything I can about politics. It is a goal. I figure it'll take about 2 weeks. Ha ha, that is a joke. I am particularly interested in Libertarianism. I am no longer sure that the RNC represents my beliefs. But I have not ruled them out and I am currently reading a book titled 'Letters to a Young Conservative' by Dinesh D'Souza. It is an interesting book and I would venture to say that this guy (name is familiar?)is more a conservative than a Republican. He is able to convey (to me anyway) what the core Consv. party is about and where they want to be. I have another book after that one. 'The Conservative Soul' by Andrew Sullivan. I believe that will address how the Republicans have kind of strayed from the Reagan years. Or not, but it looked interesting. I also have a book coming from Amazon (the other 2 are from the library) by S.E. Cupp. I think it is called 'Why You are Wrong About the Right' I am still trying to find a book or two about the Libertarian party, but so far no luck. What's up with that, Libertarians?

Okay, well Redeye W/Greg Gutfeld will be on soon. So I am outta here. If anyone has any suggestions on how to better educate myself on all of the above, let me know!