Apologies

I am going to talk about apologies, not really make any. Not really. I started thinking about an apology I want to make to someone. I do not know this person, I only know of them. I also know that in making an apology I will only be doing it for myself. This person most likely does not desire an apology, or even realize that I would make one. But here we go, "I am sorry."

There that is done. Now who feels better? This person to whom I apologized. No. Just one more reason for them to think I have no self control. Me? Do I feel better? Not really because in making this apology now I want a response. Something like, "That's okay. Apology accepted." Or, "Leave me the fuck alone, apology neither desired nor required." Either response would work for me, but the problem is I need a response. And that is not fair to the apologee. The reason this started was because I wanted a response and could not control myself or my actions in an attempt to get one. I see that now and I am mortified.

So, by apologizing I have actually continued the problem. I see only one course of action left. I take back the apology. This way I will not look for a response and I will not burden this person further. Because I really am sorry and I wish I could take back my actions and re-think it all.

No working title but it is a rant

I don't have even a working title for this particular blog. Writing yesterday was rather cathartic for me. Let's see what happens today. Maybe this will be a wishing post. I wish I was less self involved. I wish I was less needy. I wish I was less self-destructive. That's boring. I wish I was more aware of the world. I wish I was more aware of others and what they needed. I wish I knew how to make a difference. That is better. Look outward and the inside will take care of itself. That is a great new slogan/mantra. I am going with it. I liked it so much I just tweeted it. So far no one has responded with anything like, "My God woman, you are like Deepak Chopra, only without the wisdom or depth, of course."

Living in today's world is an exciting, confusing and frightening experience. With the weapons of today, the world could end tomorrow for us. Or worse, it could just become some wasteland and we will all end up living in a Danny Boyle film. There is a pleasant thought. Or perhaps the world will just continue on as it is and we will live in the relative peace we are afforded while we keep at bay the people who would love to destroy us and our lifestyle. We must not let the terrorists of the world win. We must not give in, give quarter or show fear. When does it end? This is a game where there will be one winner and only one winner. There will never be a truce, a live and let live. And I do not put all the blame on one side. As perverse as it is, it is all about human nature, and we are all human and humans hate to co-exist with what they see as evil. And we are two sides of a coin and likely never to be at peace. I lose sleep over the thought. Israel and Palestine are an example of how it will never work between people who have different beliefs. I pray that they find a solution. I think the majority would be able to do it. But it takes only one set of principles to upset everything and prevent peace. One set. And it is hard to argue with someones principles. We are set to self destruct as we become this global mass of people. We infringe on each other and invade privacy, we put our wants and our needs above others. We think we know what is good for everyone. We are so caught up in our own self righteousness we forget that in demanding our rights, we trample on the rights of others. The born and the unborn. The weak and the strong alike perish because as individuals we think we know best. We have no prayer, because we might offend. We have no freedom to say things out loud or we might be condemned as hate mongers. We can't be proud of our country because someone who chose to live here might feel threatened or forced to assimilate. I am so frustrated and this has gone off on tangents I would not have believed it would. I just want to live in peace. Let my neighbor, near and far, live in peace. Let people worship as they choose. Be proud of who they are and where they live. Here or somewhere else. Every culture should be proud of who they are. We are every culture and that is what is so frustrating. And I don't even have the ability to help.

Twitter

So, you think you want to start "Twittering".

Let me tell you, it is not the start of a social life you never had. I had been pretty holed up for the last couple of years. Mostly my own doing but I was socially dead non the less. I had been fairly social in the town I had been living in until I moved to Phoenix at the beginning of 2007. My life changed rather dramatically, well that may be strong, but it did change. I moved for several reasons and they were all good. I was in a rut, I wanted to be near family, etc. My job kept me pretty isolated in that most employees were out in the "field" while I manned the office. I also worked for family so there was one opportunity for meeting different people kind of gone. My financial situation was not as rosy as my expenses went up with the move. It is hard to meet people in Phoenix when you are single, awkward and light in your wallet.

Then I had some new opportunities come my way. I decided to go back to school and completely change my career. I felt too old to go to school to be a nurse and not able to afford the schooling it would take, so I decided in to try the exciting field of back office work in a medical office. I am currently enrolled and enjoying it. The other thing was I needed a job that would be compatible with my hours, but I am getting way ahead of myself.

In between my previous job and school I had a couple months where I was no more than an at home consultant. Fancy words, but true. I found Facebook. I had never done any social networking and I was at a loss. But I slowly developed some Facebooking skills, found some old friends from my high school (and even earlier) days and started dong a little networking. That's right. I was in contact with my buds from my small town and I was feeling pretty good. More social than I had been in years. I was addicted to Facebook. Games, quizzes pictures and chatting.

Then someone on Facebook mentioned Twitter. I had no real concept, I didn't even have texting capabilities on my phone. Hell, I had only gotten a cell phone in 2003 I think. I was disdainful. Who feels they need to be connected like that. Who is so important that people needed to know they were walking down any particular street, thinking any particular thought, at any particular time? Really?

I decided to stay working for family as it would suit for school hours and I went into a manual labor job to get me through school. I started school in early March and I still had Facebook. School opened up another door for me socially. I was in a classroom with the same people for 4 hours a day. After a few weeks I started making some good friends. Social butterfly, that was me.

So now, I had a job with real people around me, Facebook and school. I almost was suffering from social overload and looked forward to the few days I did not have to be around people. Then I decided that due to school and the people, I should have texting abilities as this seemed a pretty common mode of contact for my peers. So, why fight it? I got text. Within the week I was on Twitter. Facebook who? I learned the ins and outs of Twitter pretty quickly. It was sink or swim, I was the only person I knew that was on Twitter and actually using it. I had no guidance from loving friends or family. There were a few who said, "oh, yeah, I have an account, I have no idea how to work it." So I slowly started following people. I enjoyed Redeye w/Greg Gutfeld on Fox News Channel and they seemed active. I started there. Started following Andy Levy, Greg Gutfeld and eventually even Bill Schulz. For the Twitter savvy that would be @andylevy @greggutfeld and @billschulz. From there I started following people they were following and then people started following me back! People I did not know. the pressure to perform was immense. I had people to amuse and interest and I was not amusing nor was I particularly interesting. But I wanted to participate so I set out to become amusing.

I have started reading books on politics. I have become more active about reading peoples blogs. I try to think of profound and witty things to say. I look for those interesting bits of news to pass on. I even learned how to use websites like tinyurl.com so I could post long web addresses without them being so long. I created goals. I wanted people following me. Soon I started worrying about offending or boring my followers. I wanted to post "tweets", but not too many to be aggravating. I wanted to attract certain followers, but how? All of the sudden Twittering became high school and all the popularity trials and tribulations that went with it. Some people only followed the "in" crowd. I wanted to be in that crowd. How did people on Twitter know I was a desperate loser and they wouldn't let me in? My self worth became synonymous with who would or would not follow me. (Do you hear me @andylevy?)

So I have been Twittering for 3 weeks now and I am addicted. I admit it. I am talking to people that I have no idea who they are, what they look like or what they do for a living. I can find people who are in the know about every subject under the sun, although I notice that politics is a hot topic. My self worth issues are still a problem because I doubt myself. But these are my issues, not Twitter's. If I had my choice over would I have started this social network. Facebook even? I think yes. I need to find the line that keeps me focused on work and school and let Twitter and Facebook be a spice that makes my life more fun. Not taken to seriously. I gain followers everyday. I lose followers everyday. I try and follow those that follow me, but there always seems to be a discrepancy in numbers. That's okay. I am always on the look for new people that are interesting to me. I have found a few by the way. @seanboudreau and @JHSty. Theses guys are the bomb and don't seem to busy to answer back. For every dick there are 5 to help and be nice. I may decide to cull my list of people I follow, to help me along in my self esteem project but I am not sure it will hit the target I would be aiming for. In other words, they won't notice and if they DID notice, they would not care. Such is life and we need to move on. create my own fabulousness, even if I am the only one that notices.

OMG It's a post!

Seriously, it's me. I don't have anything to say really but I am staying awake to watch Redeye on Fox and I really wish it was on a little earlier in the evening. School is going well and I am enjoying it. We currently have a very nice teacher who will be with us into the first part of July. hen we will go into back office stuff. Blood draws, injections, etc. After 12 weeks of that we have a 5 week externship. What ever that all works out to be, we graduate Oct. 31, 2009. Can't wait.

I have decided that I am going to learn everything I can about politics. It is a goal. I figure it'll take about 2 weeks. Ha ha, that is a joke. I am particularly interested in Libertarianism. I am no longer sure that the RNC represents my beliefs. But I have not ruled them out and I am currently reading a book titled 'Letters to a Young Conservative' by Dinesh D'Souza. It is an interesting book and I would venture to say that this guy (name is familiar?)is more a conservative than a Republican. He is able to convey (to me anyway) what the core Consv. party is about and where they want to be. I have another book after that one. 'The Conservative Soul' by Andrew Sullivan. I believe that will address how the Republicans have kind of strayed from the Reagan years. Or not, but it looked interesting. I also have a book coming from Amazon (the other 2 are from the library) by S.E. Cupp. I think it is called 'Why You are Wrong About the Right' I am still trying to find a book or two about the Libertarian party, but so far no luck. What's up with that, Libertarians?

Okay, well Redeye W/Greg Gutfeld will be on soon. So I am outta here. If anyone has any suggestions on how to better educate myself on all of the above, let me know!

I can probably count the really traumatic days on one hand. Today would be one of them. After the first phone call I wondered how the sun could shine, the birds sing? How could I feel Spring in the air? BK is gone. Gone, just like that. It wasn't a car accident. A fall off a cliff, something that could be explained. An ice slick. A drunk driver. No. God just decided to take her. A brain aneurysm A woman with three children. One seven years old and one handicapped. Why her and not me? I have no children. I have a family that would grieve. I take nothing away from that and I am grateful for it. But she has kids dependent on her. The randomness of it terrifies me. If there is no God, what does it all mean? And if there is no God, what is the point? Then, if there IS a God, why BK?

Julie called me this morning. I guess Roxanne tried to reach me, but I ignored the phone in favor of sleep. So Roxanne called Julie and then Julie called me and left a rather hysterical message on the phone to call her. I heard enough of the message to become aware that there was a problem and called her back immediately. Julie told me that BK had died. Details are unimportant and even wrong, so I won't go into them. I called Roxanne and she confirmed that BK had died. The rest of the morning is a blur, but I made some phone calls and worked a bit to try and make a bit of normalcy out of my day. Then low and behold around 11:00 am, I find out that BK has not died, but that she is on life support and they are going to run one more brain scan. If it proves flat, they will call in the donor people as she is a registered donor. No word for another hour. I decide to join a some friends for lunch at the Daylight Donuts. While I am there, Julie calls with the fantastic news that BK's pupils are dilating and she is responding to muscle stimulus. All hope is not lost after all. I have seen less worthy receive the miracle of recovery, why not BK? She has so much to fight for. Laurie Williams wanted to go down to the hospital on hearing the news and I know she does not like to drive, so I offer to take her down. This turns into a bit of a circus as Peggy and Radawna decide to go to. As they are picking me up, Aunt Kathy calls to tell me that BK has passed away and not to go, as the family has already left the hospital. How many times in one day, can you hear that a beloved friend has died? Her children were told twice also. It just doesn't seem right. Turns out that the report Julie received from Susie Peck, who was at the hospital, was wrong. They never held out hope regarding the muscle spasms. It was all normal for someone who experienced brain death. So BK is gone. Gone from her children. Gone from her family. Gone from her friends. This whole town will grieve. I do not know any one person who touched so many lives. The blessing of BK is that moments after her death, we were able to laugh at the stories and moments that had touched our lives. BK does not want us to wallow in our grief. She wants us to laugh at the absurdity of the things that make up our daily life. No one has been able to take the trials and tribulations that made up someone's daily life and make them fodder for a good story like BK. While she was crying over life, she was laughing at the same time. She was a lioness protecting her children and their rights. She bashed heads, hers and the ones getting in her way to making sure that her children got what they needed and deserved. She tackled the system and the majority. She never gave up. Her triumphs were many and her friend were legion. She has left a hole that cannot be filled. She loved the little things in life, from her little children, to little dogs, to little teapots. She collected, nurtured, she loved.

I do not understand the ways of life and death and I never will. I will never believe that there was a better meaning behind this loss. We need her here. Her children need her here. I know, wherever she is, they are peeing in their pants laughing at her stories. But god damn-it, it isn't right.