Apologies

I am going to talk about apologies, not really make any. Not really. I started thinking about an apology I want to make to someone. I do not know this person, I only know of them. I also know that in making an apology I will only be doing it for myself. This person most likely does not desire an apology, or even realize that I would make one. But here we go, "I am sorry."

There that is done. Now who feels better? This person to whom I apologized. No. Just one more reason for them to think I have no self control. Me? Do I feel better? Not really because in making this apology now I want a response. Something like, "That's okay. Apology accepted." Or, "Leave me the fuck alone, apology neither desired nor required." Either response would work for me, but the problem is I need a response. And that is not fair to the apologee. The reason this started was because I wanted a response and could not control myself or my actions in an attempt to get one. I see that now and I am mortified.

So, by apologizing I have actually continued the problem. I see only one course of action left. I take back the apology. This way I will not look for a response and I will not burden this person further. Because I really am sorry and I wish I could take back my actions and re-think it all.